New Zealand

1 Year Anniversary of Living in Thailand!

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I have spent a total of 2 years living overseas. 365 days since I moved from New Zealand to Thailand. All the planning, stress, anxiety and sleepless nights worrying lead me to my life now. I am so thankful that I WORKED and made my DREAM a reality. There were many moments where I thought about throwing in the towel and booking a flight back to Canada, instead of a one way ticket to Thailand. Since grade 8 I dreamed about coming back to Thailand and living here, not coming back as a tourist, but experiencing day to day life in my homeland. Try to reconnect with my culture and experience living somewhere else other than North America. The paperwork/politics of trying to live here, the language barrier and the anxiety over finding a job, and living accommodations while being Thai illiterate has made me a much stronger person!

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If I had to define my year in Thailand it would be; self-discovery. I am a transracial adult adoptee (TRA) who is continually trying to figure out my adoption story and ongoing life story. Racial and cultural issues play a deep role in my identity. I have always felt like I was searching for something unattainable. Becoming more self-aware continues to help but never solves this problem. Learning more about racial and cultural issues and discovering communities of support have been life changing. The amount of literature now out there and currently being published is encouraging. I  realize the concept of HOME is ever evolving for me. Being an adoptee will always be a lifelong learning process.

All that said – living in Thailand has made me appreciate all the opportunities I was given growing up as a Canadian citizen, in a household of 5. My family will always means the world to me. I will never be able to express the gratitude I feel for the life my parents gave me. They may not have “given me life” – but they may as well have put air into my lungs. When they chose to adopt me I was welcomed into a beautiful family with so many people to love.

I am proud of myself. The other day someone very dear to me reminded me that I should feel super proud of all I have achieved and accomplished. Moving and living in Thailand is no easy feat. I took a moment to really reflect on just how far I have come. I have always described myself as shy, almost deathly shy. When people argue that I am anything BUT SHY I become immediately defensive. Maybe it is not that I am shy but overwhelming self-conscious?? Many adoptees identify themselves as being codependent. Mix that in with the desire to try and always please people and you create a big insecurity problem. I care what people think. I wish I could always have my supportive group of friends and peers around me. I value their opinions ALMOST more than my own. I want to make other people happy. I want to laugh and smile and to make sure others are enjoying themselves too. Travelling alone has really helped me establish my core group of people. People who love and care about me. We ignore the distance and focus on the constant connections. Thankfully, I also do make friends relatively easy. There was never really a time that I felt alone in New Zealand or here in Thailand. I know what I want in a friend and I am finding it easier to let go of those who don’t put the effort in. In Canada I used to try so hard to hold on to weakening friendships. It really isn’t possible to be friends with someone who doesn’t put in the effort. It has become very clear to me that I work extremely hard to stay in touch with my friends, and I am ever so appreciative of their love in return. No matter the time or distance we have been away their love and energy means…Everything.

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Not only do I have a wonderful family but I have had the continual joy of being welcomed into the lives of countless other people and families. My time in New Zealand was so memorable because I was welcomed with open arms by 3 great families! Here in Thailand my friends have all introduced me to their friends and families. It feels great to feel like a community member of their tight knit group. My Canadian friends have always made me feel like extensions of their family!  I am forever grateful to have shared in so many great memories.

I had originally planned on sharing some of my opinions and experiences of living in Thailand but I think I will save that for a separate post. I want to end this by answering one of my most asked questions, “When are you going back to Canada”? My answer to that is I really don’t know. At least once a day I think about it and what my plans for the future are. This quotes sums it up really well.

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Sorry it has been ages since I have blogged. Believe me I think about posting often. I don’t know how many I have composed in my head…someone needs to invent a keyboard that types out your thoughts!!! Much love and thanks to everyone who reads this. Thank you all for the support. I have travel blogs and pictures to share..one day!!

Lots of Love Always,
xoxo
Amanda Sumalee Dowput MacWilliam

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GOoDbYe NEw ZEaLaNd HEllo THaiLaNd

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ONE year ago today: Sept 16, 2012 I arrived in the Auckland Airport. I have officially lived in New Zealand for 365 days! Today I am in the departure section of the airport as my Visa has expired and my new journey begins!

This day has ARRIVED! I never knew what date it would be–> but September 16th, 2013 sounds perfect to me! I am flying back to Thailand. The place I was born. The place I have visited twice before. THIS TIME I am going alone…sort of. My family will not be joining me for the plane ride or meeting me when I land. I am going on this flight alone BUT WHEN I ARRIVE I am comforted in knowing I have so many friends ready and willing to help me. I have always dreamed of moving to Thailand and I am so overcome with emotions knowing this day is today….well technically TOMORROW with all the flying.

They are beginning to board the plane (hurray!) so I wanted to end this by thanking everyone who has helped me get to the point where I am at now. Passport in hand, smile on my face EXCITED for this journey to begin.

Special thanks to my Kiwi families that I leave behind. I am awful at goodbyes – sorry my hugs were QUICK! We will keep in touch. I LOVE SNAILMAIL almost as much as I love food and sleep 🙂

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I tried to pack the cat but she didn’t want to come 😦

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All my love to everyone-
Keep smiling and wish me LUCK
xoxoxo Amanda Sumalee

Brown Eyed Girl Celebrates its FIRST BDAY

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IMG_9550Thank you Thank you THANK YOU to everyone who has taken time out of their life to read my blog! It means the world to me to feel all this love from everyone!

WOW this blog celebrated its first birthday! To me –what is even more amazing is that I have lived in beautiful New Zealand for almost a full year. In 3 days, I will have been a resident for one year! While the time HAS flown by, I have shared in many joyous memories with my Kiwi families and Canadian friends! AND Sumzie 2012-2013 was amazing!

I had always planned, hoped and dreamed of one day moving to THAILAND. I am so happy to share with all of you that MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE>>>> I have booked my flight and only have 2 more days left before I fly back to the homeland. Ecstatic doesn’t even begin to explain my emotional state. I am beyond H.A.P.P.Y. I am busily trying to update the blog so that all my NZ posts are online before I leave the country. I will admit to falling MONTHS BEHIND but I have always had the intention of posting as much (if not all) of my travels with you all.

Thank you for the continued support. I bask in the love and support from all those that care for me! Looking forward to celebrating the blog’s 2nd anniversary with everyone 🙂

Stay happy and never stop dreaming!
xoxo Love you all,
Amanda Sumalee

VIP tickets to X-Factor New Zealand

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—>Thank you so much to Lolly for typing this out for me! She did a wonderful job as my special guest blogger!

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So… Amanda and I were lucky enough to be given free (VIP) X-Factor tickets last minute! How lucky! It was my first week in NZ so I had no idea where we were or where we were heading! We Jumped in the car and headed into town- we parked up, walked to the Sky Tower City all keen to go in, running exactly on time to then find out we were in completely the WRONG place and part of town! We then had a mad scram back to the car and I must admit (sorry Amanda!) a rather hair- raising ride to another part of town! By this time we were running late, it was pitch black and it was a slightly scary part of town! So we parked up the car and found ourselves wandering around an almost derelict industrial estate. Fortunately a very helpful young lad saw us wandering around aimlessly and asked us if were we OK, we said we were looking for the X-Factor and he pointed us in the right direction. Pheeeew! We got there just in time and stood close to the stage!

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It was pretty cool seeing the studio and all the work that goes into a show like the X-Factor! Lots of crew running around and pretty strict audience participation rules!! It was also interesting to see the judges. Daniel Beddingfield was a bit of a Diva, being a typical polite English girl and him also being English, I was appalled by his behaviour! Tut Tut! There was so some pre-recording which ruined my image of it all being live, but if it was otherwise I can see how doing it all live would be madness! The acts were quite impressive and I quite liked Jackie (who went on to win the competition) and Moorhouse! Then a guy came onto stage with his guitar, and lone be hold, it was Benny- only the helpful young lad who showed us the way! We had met a contestant for the X-Factor, at the X-Factor and not even recognised him! CRINGE! Now my favourite contestant, a nice guy! We had a great night swaying our glow sticks and clapping for acts I didn’t know much about!! Thanks muchly Amanda x
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Didn’t Lolly do a great job with typing her first blog entry? The only things I wanted to add were: the filming of the show was in Henderson. Not near downtown Auckland AT ALL. The warehouse looking building was dimly lit and the gps wasn’t able to locate it exactly. We circled around the block a few times before deciding to get out and walk around. We snuck through a chained up fence to try to find the entrance way of the building. We were very sketched because there was absolutely NO SIGNAGE for the event. When a young man with a guitar approached us to help navigate we appreciated his help. WE WERE LATER SHOCKED to realize that he was one of the contestants!…AND he would go on to become one of the top 4 contestants!

When we arrived in the building I was surprised to see how small the place was. On TV they make the building and audience seem massive. Now I realize it is just creative filming angles and the way they light the seats. ALSO they strongly encourage audience participation. Lots of things that I believed were filmed “live” are actually shot before the show airs and then just edited into place when the show is being broadcast  SO “Live TV” is really NOT completely live. As someone who loves watching DVD special features on tv shows and films; I loved being a part of the audience. I learned a lot of little insider secrets to TV filming! Also – my personal opinion is that all the singers performed BETTER live then what it comes across over the tv. I had never really paid attention to the show, when the kids were watching it in the house.  I did not know the contestants well but after watching them sing live, then hearing them on the tv, I don’t think their talents are really given the justice they all deserve. Especially Jackie’s performance; in the room the tone in her voice was so strong and powerful and that didn’t translate as well on tv. 

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So glad Lolly and I got to go see X Factor New Zealand’s live show . We had fun that night and she did an excellent job on this post. A memorable experience!

Thanks for reading!!!
KeEP sMiLInG 🙂
Amanda Sumalee

We Will Take Her…The End

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A few weeks ago my 10 year old son (who I Au Pair for in New Zealand) presented me with this homemade story….I could not stop smiling! I hope it brightens your day too 🙂 I am mailing this to Canada so I can keep it forever!

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[Amanda Once upon a time there was a orphanage and a orphan called Amanda. and no one wanted her until the Henshaws and they said we will take her the end.]

I wanted to share that picture for two reasons:
#1 To express how much the boys and I have bonded, and how great of an experience Au Pairing can be.
#2 Just to reiterate HOW MUCH I love children. I love love love how expressive they are; so able to tap into their emotions. How creative they are. How imaginative and curious they are!

Deciding to become an Au Pair has been one of the best decisions of my life. I wanted the opportunity to travel and work with children. Being able to live and experience a “Kiwi lifestyle” has been amazing. I have always loved children and I am so happy my passion for a career in this field continues to grow. I would recommend Au Pairing to anyone adventurous enough to leave the comforts of their home! I have always been fond of children and quickly form bonds with them. These boys have been no exception. They will forever be part of my life.

While I was babysitting the boys tonight, the 10 year old asked me a very important question, “Would you rather be in our family or yours?” I carefully explained that if I had always been in his family – I wouldn’t have the brothers I have now. I wouldn’t have the friends and parents I have now. My whole life would be completely different. I quickly followed that up with, we will always be a family NOW. I have a Canadian family and a Kiwi family. I knew he was pleased by my answer because he gave me the cutest hug and smile ever!!

Besides all the memories; I have adorable pictures and recorded quotes the boys have shared. I am so happy that the older I get, and the closer I become to becoming a mother, the easier it’s becoming to save and preserve children’s’ things. Digital pictures, scanners, scrapbooking, iphones, video cameras that aren’t MASSIVE… There are so many more ways to capture and share the memories. Yay! One of my favourite things to do is look at old photos and videos of myself as a child.

Originally I had planned to post the picture and nothing else. I am glad I decided on this little blurb to follow it up. I hope this post gave you a reason to smile.

Tomorrow is my day off and I am excited to spend the day sailing with my Kiwi-Mom! Aren’t Sundays (off) great?!
There is always a reason to smile,
xoxo Amanda Sumalee

All Blacks for the WIN!!!

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I had mentioned to my Kiwi Momma that I really wanted to attend an All Blacks game and that  it was on my New Zealand bucket list.  For my “Going Away Celebration” my generous Kiwi family treated me to a family night out at Eden Park! The Rugby game was All Blacks vs France and the first game of the 2013 season. The family along with friends all donned All Blacks gear and happily ate dinner before departing for the evening’s event.

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It was definitely an honour to be among the enthusiastic crowd cheering on their Kiwis. I am proud to say I saw the team dance The Haka! The fans cheered so loudly! Here is a really short (and shaky) video of the end of The Haka: http://youtu.be/jk5-gE9ux1s. I wish that it lasted a LOT longer. OR that they performed it twice!! I felt like it was over in seconds! At times the game was a nail biter. We weren’t able to secure an early lead so there was always a bit of fear….thankfully New Zealand claimed a 23-13 win. After the game we were able to successfully weave through the traffic to arrive safely home. The game was being broadcasted on cable and we watched it on TV. It was a great reminder of how much more exciting and atmospheric experiencing sporting events live really is!
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I know that I am very fortunate that one of the only rugby games I have been to was an ALL BLACKS game in New Zealand. I am so appreciative for my Kiwi family and all the experiences we have shared together!

Thanks for reading!
xoxo Amanda Sumalee

Journal Entry from Sept 25, 2012

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Hey Everyone!!! Over the past few weeks I have begun to sort through my things. I have dropped some clothes off in the charity bins and started to build my  package of  items I need to mail back to Canada. I came across my journal that only had 1 entry in it. I had high hopes to maintain an updated blog and journal during my travels. It looks like I was only able to do one out of the two things well. Something about reading my own writing and being able physically turn the pages is so appealing. I PLANNNN on trying again to keep a journal for my days in Thailand. Journaling is something I keep trying and failing at. For those interested in reading how my first 10 days were in New Zealand can read my journal entry below:

Tues Sept 25th, 2012 8:22pm

WOW! I have already been in New Zealand for over 1 week. After all the stress and money put into this adventure –  I am actually able to finally live it. I must take note that CC remembered how much I love Hello Kitty and bought me this adorable journal. How awesome would it be if I was able to keep a journal and a blog these next few years. I know I have tried in the past…I really like the idea of having a travel journal that I can read back down the road.

Looking back on how much time and thought I put into packing my luggage grr Groin; I really wish I had packed warmer clothes. It’s not quite summer here and I never really – well never thought about how windy it would be! I have worn long sleeves every day since I have arrived. I am SO MAD at myself for not packing more hoodies.

Before I get too far into this, I want to note just HOW GENEROUS the Whitleys were to ME. They graciously offered to move me into their home and allowed me to stay in their home. FREE of any payments. No rent! No food! No I.o.u or pay at a later date was ever expected from me. I was even allowed to have a garage sale to try and sell my stuff. There are good people in the world and this family is proof of it. They have been beyond generous to me and I can’t thank them enough for all they have done to get me to the point where I am now in my life. Just amazing! The remainder of my stuff is stored in their house so I could save of storage fees. I am beyond blessed to have them in my life. It is so exciting that they will be COMING here in 4 months!

Emzie has been so good to me since I arrived. She brought me warm clothes, and bought me warmer bedding and hot water bottle. She has tried to make me as comfortable and as warm as possible. She even brought me gloves and cut the tips off so I could text  and type! OUR FAMILIES are so different! I always call her the princesses in the castle coming to rescue the damsel in distress. Her host family treated her arrival a bit more “welcoming” and tried to ensure that she was as comfortable as possible. My family isn’t as financially secure as Em’s fam and their living accommodations aren’t as ideal. We are living in Mount Roskill, New Zealand but are trying to find a house in the North Shore for November. I am hoping it all works out smoothly as I am looking forward to moving to the North Shore. It will be closer to Emzie and out of here. Let’s just say my family does not walk around their neighbourhood at night…

Our Sumzie 2012 adventures have been exciting thus far. We drove to Piha beach which was about a 1 hour drive. We climbed Lion’s Rock and were rewarded with a gorgeous view. We tried to not let the strong winds dampen our beach experience! We’ve also walked around the viaduct and seen a little bit of Mission Bay. We strolled around downtown Auckland for post cards and hoodies but came away with nothing. We weren’t worried because we know we will be doing much more shopping in the future.

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OBSERVATIONS off the top of my head:

  • People here are super friendly
  • Food is expensive
  • Gas is expensive
  • The lanes are narrow and cars tend to park on the road making it HARDER to keep the traffic flowing
  • The water tastes different
  • My hair is wavier here
  • My skin is really dry and my nails seem to be growing faster
  • It’s a very diverse; lots of different cultures and religions that all seem to blend together well

For having only been here 10 days I feel like I have adjusted nicely. It has been hard with the time zone difference to stay connected with people. I am not allowed to use my phone at all from 7:30-4:00 (but usually closer to 5pm) during the day. Other than that I feel pretty good. The girls are both sick right now but I am hoping my immune system is strong enough not to catch their cold.  Understanding the kiwi accent can be hard at times but it’s not too difficult. I just find myself saying, “pardon” when I can’t understand – so they can repeat it to me again.

So besides being cold ALL THE TIME and the house not having heat, and the door being kept open every night I am doing pretty well. I am REALLY thankful that I have a travel buddy here with me. Great travel buddy and built in morale support.

I am so thankful I moved on from that situation and found the Kiwi family that I did. I love my family and am not shy about my love for their cat Magic 🙂 My adventures in New Zealand will be ending in a month (or so) and I will begin many new adventures in my homeland! I am sad to be leaving my Kiwi Fam Jam but am so excited for the next step!!!! Thank you to everyone who continues to support me and read Brown Eyed Girl!

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Keep smiling
xox Amanda Sumalee

Why Thailand If You Miss Your Family?

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The other day my 10 year old asked the question, “Do you miss your family?”

Instantly I answered, “Yes all the time – I love them. But I also love being here with you and living in New Zealand too.”

His eyebrows furrowed when he asked, “Then why are you going to Thailand?”
I was now confused…did he mean MY FAMILY the only family I have ever known? Or the two people who are biologically related to me; who chose to give me up for adoption?

His innocent question is what finally compelled the completion of this post. I have been meaning to post more on the topic of family for quite some time. I have so many partially typed notes that it’s time to sort through them and start posting. I am not getting any younger 🙂

He has cousins that are adopted so he has a great grasp of the concept of adoption. When I first moved in with his family; I had explained that I had lived in an orphanage in Thailand until the age around 2.5. My parents (the only 2 people I have ever seen as the definition of my parents) then adopted me. Shortly after my adoption we moved to Canada where I have lived virtually my whole life. With a little help from his Mom, I explained I have always called my parents, “Dad” and “Mom” because THEY ARE my parents. I was just a baby when I went to the orphanage and know no different. I do not believe I could be ANY CLOSER to my brothers, had they been biological or not. I grew up feeling very close to both of them and feel blessed to have such a great bond with both of them.

After clarification, I understood he wanted to know why I was travelling to Thailand if my parents and brothers lived in Canada. I had to remind him that yes my parents and brothers do live in Canada, but I am an adult and haven’t lived in the same house as my family for years. Yes OF COURSE I miss seeing my family and friends but I have wanted to go to Thailand for a long time. Just like I had traveled to New Zealand, I would continue on travelling before flying back to Canada.

Canada is where I have grown up, but Thailand is where I was born. I am a Thai-Canadian who only feels Canadian. I am not able to relate to my Thai roots. My dream has always been to live in Thailand to learn more about MY culture. My dream vision for myself would be to instantly be able to assimilate myself to all things Thai. I know that is not realistic but it’s what I want. I want to no longer feel like an outsider. I am sick of feeling like a tourist. I look the part, now I just have to feel it. I realize I am putting a LOT of pressure on myself with this upcoming trip. I am trying to lower my expectations but it is so hard when I have dreamed of this moment for so long!

Thanks for reading – Buddha Blessings,
xox Amanda Sumalee

First picture with my new haircut :)

First picture with my new haircut 🙂

I FEEL Canadian, I LOOK Thai

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This is my journey, MY LIFE. I am beyond excited but scared to death about finally going to Thailand. Wherever it takes me, and whatever I discover will be my story. Curiosity is the strongest feeling pulling me back to my place of birth.

While at the doctors I had to fill out the standard personal information form. One of the questions was ethnicity/nationality. It stumped me. I starred at it for what felt like eternity. I questioned myself as to what I should write down. I KNEW I should write down Thai, but I really wanted to put Canadian. Had someone been with me, I would have definitely written down whatever they suggested. I did not have wi-fi at the time but as soon as I got home I asked my Aunt what she thought I should have done. The same feelings were brought up again while filling out a New Zealand census form. I had to write down my nationality and place of residency….I was born in Thailand but lived my whole life in Canada. If Thai-Canadian was an option there would have been no need for hesitation.

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When the doctor looked me over she asked me where I was from? I told her Canada and she immediately gave me this look of disbelief. This cold glare like I was trying to lie to her. I could feel her looking my whole body over. I FELT obligated to tell I have lived in Canada all my life but I was born in Thailand. Why do I have to feel so defensive when stating that I am Canadian? It’s as if her glare was her warning to tell me the truth or she would not continue the exam. When I told her I lived in Canada practically my whole life she told me I had ASIAN ears, was I from the Philippines? I had to restate that I was born in Thailand but lived in Canada virtually my whole life. I know the atmosphere of a doctor’s office always comes off as intrusive but I felt beyond uncomfortable and defensive.

I have never met an adoptee who doesn’t wonder about their origins. Adoptees share a unique bond: we are consumed by our loneliness. We don’t openly talk about it but it’s apparent. My life never had a defining moment of a “big reveal” of my adoption story. My parents never had to tell me on my 18th birthday (like someone I knew), or sit me down for any big discussion. There was no need for suspicious thoughts as I was always aware I wasn’t their biological child. I was brown and EVERYONE else in my Dad and Mom’s family are Caucasian. No matter how loved you are, being adopted harvests a visceral feeling of loneliness . Every adoptee has a shared experience of rejection followed by loss. I am not saying the heavy rainstorm can’t create a magnificent rainbow…but a rainbow is impossible without the rain.

I am not wanting to delve too deeply in this conversation now because I would like to try as best as possible to put my thoughts into an array of posts. Divide my thoughts up.

These posts about my adoption are personal. I would like to make them as honest and raw as possible without breaching my own level of comfort. It is not my intention to hurt anyone’s’ feelings. I hope to be as honest as possible. Maybe sharing my thoughts on the topic can help others open up about their experiences. Reading about other peoples’ journeys has helped me to heal.  I have amassed some notes from books I have read and hope to post my thoughts on my newly acquired information in upcoming post.

Sincerely yours,
Amanda Sumalee

PLEASE comment or message me privately to share your thoughts. I would love to hear suggestions or personal stories from my readers. I have never been a member of an adoptee support group but have read about some in the United States of America. Anyone have any information on online ones? xo

Domain Name Purchased

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Today I made the big leap by purchasing the domain name: amansuma.com

Translation: typing in amansuma.wordpress.com or amansuma.com will bring you to this website. I also lifted the search engine block I had on this blog. So now if people are searching things on the web, a link to this blog could show up! Oh tres fancy!

When I purchased my plane ticket to New Zealand back in 2012, I knew I wanted to create a blog or website. I wanted a creative outlet that would help me stay connected with others, through my writing and photography. The outpouring of encouragement made me nervous. I was fearful that my motivations towards the blog would decline as time went on. I remained hopeful but apprehensive. Before I left I had promised everyone I would do my best! It feels good to have kept that promise.

Since Sept 9, 2012 I have published 45 posts and attracted over 1,170 views! That is unbelievable. I never expected so many people to take an interest in my life. The origination of this blog was to share my travel experience with those I love. Knowing that they are still invested in my life feels amazing. I started off not wanting to make the blog too personal…just in case people beside those I knew read it. I have progressively made the blog more personal. I welcome others to read my blog! I do get nervous about my privacy and sometimes need to remind myself it is no longer just people I know reading it.

I try very hard to keep my Kiwi-family has anonymous as possible. I am conscious to not post close up pictures of their face or reveal any personal information. I also try to use my friends’ nicknames whenever publishing stories about them. I want the focus of this blog to remain around my thoughts and views. My updates should become more frequent and more personal as I prepare to head off to Thailand!

I hope my constant template changing doesn’t bother everyone. I am haven’t found one yet that I have fallen in love with. I am trying to find one that looks great and is also easy to navigate around when wanting to post pictures into my blogs. I am finding some templates far easier than others. With new ones coming out monthly I am always excited for the updates. By no means do I call myself a proficient blogger but I will keep trying to hone my craft!

I want to wrap this up by thanking everyone who reads the blogs. Every time I look at the view count I smile!

Buddha Blessings
xo Amanda Sumalee

*For family and friends who love my photos, my Facebook is once again up to date!