Sorry about the Pillows!

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I have felt alone before. My thoughts have a way of making me feel small. Feeling mentally alone tortures the soul. But you blink, breathe deep and move on.

Being physically alone. It’s different.

The unwelcome feelings that linger as you desperately try to FIGHT it away.
The more you
fight
the more you look around and realize
how alone you are
in those moments you are completely ALONE.
All alone. ALONE.

To be physically alone, TO HAVE NO ONE was when I HAD to wear my big girl pants. And wore them I did.

I was told that I would be dropped off somewhere. When asked where I would like to go, I said, “Well I guess a hostel”. To which I got the reply, “I can’t drive you into town! I’ll take you to the train.” No specific time was given – besides the word evening. I quickly packed my bags so I would have as much time as possible to use the free internet. I frantically researched hostel locations, rates and reviews. I WAS actually going to become a “backpacker”. The difference between me and someone who was street entrenched was that I had money to pay for a hotel BUT there was no way I was going to one.  Sure Emzie and I had bought backpacks, but we weren’t actually dead-set on backpacking all around New Zealand and Australia. Maybe a day here and there, maybe more, but we would always be TOGETHER and travelling as a team. Not me fumbling with my bags in some unknown place alone.

Anxiety. FEAR. Depression. Anger. Shock. Pity. Despair. All these emotions were piling up and getting in my way. I plunked myself down beside a wall charger and kept my phoned charging as I sat for hours just waiting for the words, “time to go”. Dismal ratings, great ratings, horrible comments — the internet was inundated with reviews. Would all this preparation be enough for me? Was I going to be okay? Would I make it to the hostel? How was I going to carry all my bags? Would my shoulders and back give out on me?

For anyone that knows me. TRULY knows me. They know I am deathly shy. I will be the first to tell you I have NO confidence when in public. It scares me. In any new situation I am scanning, searching, and praying that there will be somebody to help me. As long as I have SOMEONE I am not alone. New jobs, new classes, new housing, new people it ALL terrifies me! I just need one person, JUST one person – and I am ok. It’s a confidence thing. I LACK SELF ESTEEM and I know it. THE very thought of me travelling to a new town by train worried me! Staying in a hostel petrified me. Living alone with no job had me fighting back tears.

I was feverishly researching WHILE texting friends to update them on my plans. I was beyond thankful that despite the time difference there were friends to talk to. I wanted them to know I was going to a hostel. Their worry for me elevated my fears and made me want to scream. Yet, it comforted me to know they knew what was happening. I needed them to know. I went from one bad situation, to another, and there was no way I was letting this decision be my worst.

Part of the fear was having never been to a hostel before. I have heard horror stories, and gross stories so I was trying to brace myself. I wanted to make the best decisions, that also fit my budget and time frame. If only I knew then what I know now! The worst part was not the hostel but getting to the hostel! And even then the commute wasn’t bad at all. It was really my imagination running wild. The build up of the situation was far more escalated than it ever needed to be.

My backpack, duffle bag and another bag full of food (there was no way I was leaving my food behind!!) were painstakingly heavy! Before Em left for Australia she brought me some of her hoodies, and 2 pillows and a library book. The pillows were such a nice surprise since the one I had been given was a brick that I never ONCE slept on for fear of breaking my neck. BUT unfortunately when it came down to choosing food over pillows I packed the food and had to leave behind the pillows. I very wisely packed the pillow covers so I could one day replace the two pillows. Love you Emzie!!

I was dropped off at the curb and cursing the skies that my shoulders were killing me. I made it onto the train (I was paranoid that it would be going in the wrong direction and asked a few times to make sure!) I had to ask what my stop would be as all I really knew was I was trying to get downtown. I was a little upset that the “train” was basically what we call a sky train or subway. I had really been hoping for a long scenic train ride. Once I arrived in Central Auckland I asked the information desk what bus I would need to take to take me to Queen Street. The person working the information booth was beyond helpful and even went as far as walking me to the bus. (He didn’t offer to carry any of the bags but I really appreciated the directions. He whipped out a paper map and circled where the bus stops were for each of the nearby hostels. Super great at his job!!) The hostel itself was the hardest part to find since it was on the 3rd floor of a building.  The building was LABELLED but I had to walk around the building a few times before realizing an elevator ride up to the 3rd floor was all I needed. (I have since been reassured that I am not the only one confused with how to enter the building. I have helped a few fellow backpackers know that they need to get on the elevator to find the reception desk! Go me!)

Base is on the corner of Queen and Darby and one street away from Victoria Street!!

And there you have it! Thus far, my 3rd place in New Zealand has been the best. Definitely not in terms of income but in terms of general health and well-being.

Next post will most likely be about hostel life…unless my observation blog comes first. We’ll see how I am feeling tomorrow.

Thanks for reading and blessings to all of you xoxo
-Amanda

If I Never Forever Endeavor

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I would like to post things that inspire me.  It could be: pictures, quotes, things people have told me — anything I think is worth sharing!

If I Never Forever Endeavor

-Holly Meade

Shortly after arriving in New Zealand I took the kids to the library for their weekly story time   The 4.5 year old and I were looking around when I came across this book. I am not sure exactly what drew me to it out of the hundreds on the shelf, but for some reason I felt compelled to read it to her. The children’s picture book felt like a sign that I had made the right decision to move and that it was all going to be okay.

 
If I Never Forever Endeavor

-Holly Meade

If in all of forever,
I never endeavor
to fly, I won’t know if I can.

I won’t know if I can’t.

I won’t know if or whether
a flight I
might fly,
should I choose
to not ever give it a try.

On the wing,

I could try
and find
and I flap
and I flail,

flounder and plummet,
look foolish
and fail.

On the other wing,

I could try
and take flight,

rise high and
float free,
sail through the trees.

If I did endeavor, and found my wings clever,

I could see the world!

Or get lost in it.

My nest is so nice,

the nicest of nests.
Who needs to fly – ever?

I think I’ll forget
all about this “endeavor.”

But, look there…

if I don’t fly,
I won’t know
what it is
to swoop low
or soar high,

or what it’s like to

pluck a sweet bug
from the sky.

I won’t know how it feels to

scallop the air
with a dip
and a glide.

Or float alongside a friend.

I suppose
I could try
a little flap,

a flutter…
or two!

FLY!

Look at me!
I’m dipping and gliding
and daring and…

If I hadn’t endeavored

and found my wings clever,
I never a sky
would have scaled,
never a world
would have seen,

And never a friend would have found.

Friends of a feather,

I say, endeavor and

fly!

I believe that I was meant to read that book and I am so glad I have chosen to live my life and “fly”!

Smiling,
xo Amanda

Big Girl Pants are ON

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An excerpt from an email I sent to brother Reece a few days ago:

“Life could be better. A lot. Don’t worry I’m wearing my big girl pants! I’d let you know if it was anything serious…I can honestly say I feel grown up. Life is BEING experienced!”

Every word was the truth. There was a little sigh of relief in letting big brother know that my trip wasn’t ALL AMAZING and not everything I was doing these days could be chalked up to fun. It was Thanksgiving weekend and I was in now in Dannemora (about 45mins from Central Auckland) and I had not shared with any family members that my life got was getting a bit more adventurous. The timing of my situation coincided with Canadian Thanksgiving making me want to reach out a little bit to family. Not enough to worry them but just enough to keep them someone what in the loop!  (Reece, Tyler, Lisa, and Helle thanks for emailing me about your Thanksgivings! I ABSOLUTELY love emails and hearing about the day to day stuff! xox)

So how did I leave Mt. Roskill and move to Dannemora? What happened and why I am no longer in Dannemora right now is what this blog will be about.

Pretty much as soon as I arrived in New Zealand I knew I should look for a new family. My spirits were shrinking as the days went on. I’m a fighter and I hate giving up, so for me to recognize that enough was enough was a huge step! I knew that I could “put up” with the family I was living with but I wanted BETTER for myself. I didn’t want to “give up” on this family but I also did not want the next 9 months leaving me bitter and depressed. With encouragement from friends I concluded that I really had to step up my search for a new position. I posted an ad online and kept a watchful eye out for anyone needing an Au pair   I received a response from a lady seeking an Au pair to help her in her daycare. She lived in Dannemora which meant it would be a further distance for Emzie and I to commute. That said, I thought working in a daycare would be great experience and would look awesome on a resume. The accommodations sounded lovely as the lady had just moved into a 6 bedroom house. Laundry, queen bed, HEAT, TV lounge area, internet and access to an automatic car were all included. We emailed back and forth a few times and the lady said no interview was required. There was a 1 week trial period to see how I got on with the children. The only thing not included was food! It may not sound like a big issue but FOOD is SUPER expensive here so that and the location were too factors that I had to consider. Emma was heading to Australia (meaning no weekend relief) and I really wanted to get out of the living situation I was currently in. I agreed to give this new job a shot! At first the lady invited me to meet her at her house, but quickly made arrangements for her to pick me up as Mt. Roskill was quite a ways off from where she resided.

Having never met my new “boss” I was quite anxious but ecstatic to be leaving and heading to a daycare environment. The lady was over 30 minutes late picking me up so I was extremely on edge as to whether or not she would be a no show. Having had previous interviews cancelled and job offers filled I had put all my eggs into this one basket. She pulled up in an old mini-van and I instantly knew it was her. She was 60 years old lady driving a minivan that had definitely done many days of carpooling. The inside had not seen a vacuum in years. All this excited energy was running through my body as we drove away. To my surprise she informed me that we were making a stop at the ferries to pick up a young man from Ireland. He too would be moving in and working as an Au Pair. Was she hiring 2 people for 1 position? Was she getting more kids in the daycare? He was only staying 3 months where as I was staying for 6 months so maybe she just wanted the overlap? Questions were running through my mind as she was explaining her expectations as she drove us both home. She explained that she had over 100years of experience working with kids: she was a teacher, owned a daycare, helped employ Au pairs in Auckland. Recently she had sold her Daycare center and was working on growing her home based daycare. She was licensed to look after 6 children and she currently had 3 and would have a 4th child by the end of the month. Not only did she hire Au pairs but she also boarded international students and couples and taught English and tutored from her home. She was always busy and was working on trying to retire in 5 years. She told us she just moved into a bigger house 3 weeks ago so there was lots of room for everyone. She has a lot of experience with Au Pairs and nannies as she has employed over 100 but at least 70 have only lasted a week. Hence the one week trial, if she likes you, you sign a three month contract and have to have a criminal record check conducted by the Ministry of Children and Families.

Long story short –even though she had a brand new huge house to live in we did not agree with how she ran the daycare. This was fine as she let us know she did not like either of us either. She had a 6 bedroom house with a huge front yard and backyard yet she was running the daycare from her garage! The kids and the Au pairs spent their time in the garage all day while at home. The only reasons we were to go inside the house were to get running water (dishes, and drinks) or to use the bath room. It was just so weird. We were meant to believe we had access to the car but soon realized when we weren’t working the car was off limits. We walked to the nearby grocery store and unhappily bought our groceries. We both commented on how we felt we were both  in college again living off cheap noodles and bread.

After the first few hours of living there both the Irish man and I were looking for other work. The car had 2 seat belts that were broken and the car seats looked ancient and very unsafe. The seat belt that was strapping the kids into the seats were twisted and not nearly tight enough. The daycare itself had so many safety hazards  from no childproof cupboards to tools lying around to sharp edges.. It was completely NOT at all what we had expected. The ad was so FAR in left field from what we were dealing with. After the first night of looking after the children the Irish guy was told he wasn’t what she was looking for. As soon as he told me I knew there was no way I was living out here alone with her. So I spoke with her and asked if we had been “applying for the same job” and if so, he could have my position as I was looking for an Au pair job closer to the North Shore. She told me even if I left she still wasn’t going to be hiring him. Then the very next afternoon she told me she was through with me too and didn’t need me. It’s a shame because the 3 kids were so much easier to look after  than the previous 2 I had. I preferred tag teaming them with the Irish lad but when he left it was still manageable to look after the 3 on my own.  So that was my three day experience in Dannemora.

This blog became WAY longer than what I was planning on typing. So I will do another blog about where I am at now…  mentally and physically! Thanks for reading!

Still smiling,
Amanda

Confession time

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I have had a lot of people ask me, “How’s New Zealand?” Followed by, “Are you enjoying your family?” I realize that everyone is assuming that the two situations go hand in hand and are hoping that I am having a positive experience for both.

TRUTH TIME in most cases I have purposely been evading the latter question. Along with that, I had only been posting on the weekends. The reason was because I really had nothing to share about my weekdays. Weekends were my time away from the house. Emzie drove over to the house to grab me and we do something fun together…well actually anything we do together is usually fun. I mean that weekends or Friday night were the only time that I actually got to see New Zealand or do any sightseeing. I would actually start to feel like a tourist and start enjoying myself. Why does Em get me out of the house instead of me just leaving the house? Her family has 2 cars, and mine has 1 car that they don’t like to use. My area of town was not as “nice” and there aren’t many restaurants or places to walk around and see. So my darling Emzie was always scooping me up and taking me out to see the rest of the world.

I had always planned on not sharing too much about my Au Pair family. For respect to their privacy and to keep this blog more about my experiences – not about my time with the family. As time went on, the saying If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all kept swimming around in the back of my mind. What I can now say to everyone is that >> I am no longer living with the family as our expectations did not match. My definition of “good kids” and that of the mother’s were completely different. I ALSO really hate being cold and the house had no heat and the provided bedding was nowhere near substantial. The family kept the backdoor open every night so their dogs could go in and out at night which kept the house cold during the days and nights. Em actually brought me: gloves, slippers, a blanket, pillow and hot water bottle because she was shocked by the temperature of my bedroom and rest of the house. The walls were thin, from my bedroom I could hear what was happening in any part of the house at all times of the day. Besides the temperature and noise there were just a lot of issues I was being faced with that I believed to be unreasonable and I began to hate my life. The job hours and expectations were not syncing up with what had been outlined to me. It’s unfortunate that through all the correspondence of emails and skyping I got described a reality that was far different from the actuality of the household.

Image

So I would like to share with all of you — I still love travelling and I have been enjoying the positive experiences. I did NOT like my family and I am currently seeking another family to live with.

Good bye Mt. Roskill hello Dannemora….
or so I thought. That’s the next post 🙂

I see more people checking out the blog! Thanks for stopping by and reading. Makes me smile to know people are interested in my thoughts.
Still Smiling –Always,
xoxo Amanda Sumalee

Speechless. So much to say.

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This title just took on a whole new meaning 30 seconds ago. I AM without a voice because I am sick. My little 4 year old says, “You have no sound! Will you have sound tomorrow?” That said — I have lots to tell you now. I am ALSO speechless because I just FINISHED my blog and was adding pictures to it when I accidentally deleted my WHOLE post. So angry so angry. Hate when this happens!

The weekend was amazing. Emzie and I got the sunshine we prayed for on Saturday. We walked around Sky Tower!!! The tallest man-made structure in New Zealand with views up to 80km (52miles) in every direction. *Thank you pamphlet! When we walked the SkyWalk platform we were 194 meters (636 feet) in the air. Our guide Sibohan was great. She offered us lots of “activities” we could try. Sitting backwards over the edge and leaning forwards and back were great. I just wish that the walk included a jump off the building. We watch a handful of people jumping and it took around 25 seconds for them to get down. They descended pretty slowly…I guess to make the 300$ leap worth it? I was very proud of Emzie for not letting her fear of heights get the best of her.

I kept reminding her that this was her warm up to skydiving! After our walk around the tower we took the elevator up to the Sky Deck where you can get a 360degree view of the city from 722 feet up. The elevator ride with its glass floor and windows was a neat experience. Once we got up to the top we took a ton of photos. I posted them all on Facebook if you want to take a look 🙂

We decided that we wanted to be really touristy that weekend so we drove up to the top of One Tree Hill so we could get lots of shots of New Zealand’s rolling hills and their sheep/lambs. Emma and I rocked our I love NZ shirts and fit in well with all the other tourists trying to take photos. It started to rain and got dark really fast but I still think our iPhones captured some great pictures! I wish the lighting was better but we had a fabulous time posing for all the shots.

Sunday was a nice sleep in day for me. I slept most of the morning trying to see if I could recover my voice. Emma couldn’t stop laughing at my manly husky voice air bubbled voice. Every time I tried to talk some weird sound would come out of me or I would think I was talking but no sound would come out. We took advantage of the sun and went to Mission Bay again. We got a lot of exercise walking along the beach and taking action shots of us by the water.

The weekend was great and I can’t wait to get out and see more of New Zealand.   Thanks to everyone that is reading my blog. I am trying really hard to update my Facebook photos regularly as well as my aPAD. I wish this post was as detailed as my original one 😦

My next blog will most like be about my observations since moving here.
xoxo Amanda

~~If you want to see the pictures on the blog BIGGER just click the picture and it will appear in a new window in a larger format!

Being Blessed is Exhausting…

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After 7 months of trying to decide where my future would take me –I have FINALLY arrived in New Zealand. I can and CAN’T believe I actually moved away from Canada. After all the stressful nights and mini melt-downs, I can lay back and breathe DEEPLY. Anxiety attacks did NOT hold me back and I thank all who showed me how strong their love for me really is! Telling people you are moving away REALLY let’s you know who truly does love you!!

Thank you so much to my parents, Dom and CC for my amazing sendoff! Around at the airport with plenty of time to get my: Timmy Ho fix, shared some poutine and got to indulge in a bathroom photo session! Even had enough time to look at all the magazine covers and hum and haw over throwing my money away. (For those curious; I resisted the urge and spent no money on a gossip mag).

The plane ride was pretty uneventful. I did score a window seat with nobody sitting directly beside me. The passenger sitting in the aisle seat next to the vacant seat was just as excited as I was that no one would be sandwiched in between us. It made my travelling experience that much better! I have yet to dislike flying. Take off was 30mins late – yet we still managed to land in Auckland 30 minutes ahead of schedule. When I landed it was pitch black out and raining. The whole team at Air New Zealand Flight 83 was magnificent!! Super friendly and professional the whole flight. The plane landed around 4:35am and I was able to get through: security, baggage claim and bio hazard screening and a bathroom break all before 5:40am 🙂

Those in my host family are so gracious and warm. I already feel a strong connection and know it will be hard to leave come May. It did not take long for both girls to feel comfortable around me. They LOVED their little tutus. The fit was amazing and I can’t wait to post a picture of them wearing them. When I left a few times to go to my room to try to unpack the little 4 year old would ask her parent, “Where is Amanda?” “Why is Amanda not here?” So many memories already shared today….maybe I should buy stocks in Kleenex now?!!

During the rainy ride home, I was second guessing myself for not packing more pants and hoodies. AS A HUGE hoodie lover I was questioning why I had boxed and left so many in storage? By the afternoon the sun was out and the warmth was felt through the kitchen and living room windows. A smiled set in and I realized I had made the right decision. I packed enough clothes and no matter what I packed I was going to have an amazing experience.

I have already indulged in homemade peanut butter cookies, homemade pizza (mine was vegetarian and beyond delish), and an amazing lentil and avocado salad. Tomorrow I get to munch on homemade carrot cake!!! Thank baby Buddha they have a treadmill 🙂

It’s 2:45am (BC time) and only 9:45pm (NZ time)and having not had a nap makes me EXHAUSTED!!!
xox Amanda