Adoptee

I FEEL Canadian, I LOOK Thai

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This is my journey, MY LIFE. I am beyond excited but scared to death about finally going to Thailand. Wherever it takes me, and whatever I discover will be my story. Curiosity is the strongest feeling pulling me back to my place of birth.

While at the doctors I had to fill out the standard personal information form. One of the questions was ethnicity/nationality. It stumped me. I starred at it for what felt like eternity. I questioned myself as to what I should write down. I KNEW I should write down Thai, but I really wanted to put Canadian. Had someone been with me, I would have definitely written down whatever they suggested. I did not have wi-fi at the time but as soon as I got home I asked my Aunt what she thought I should have done. The same feelings were brought up again while filling out a New Zealand census form. I had to write down my nationality and place of residency….I was born in Thailand but lived my whole life in Canada. If Thai-Canadian was an option there would have been no need for hesitation.

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When the doctor looked me over she asked me where I was from? I told her Canada and she immediately gave me this look of disbelief. This cold glare like I was trying to lie to her. I could feel her looking my whole body over. I FELT obligated to tell I have lived in Canada all my life but I was born in Thailand. Why do I have to feel so defensive when stating that I am Canadian? It’s as if her glare was her warning to tell me the truth or she would not continue the exam. When I told her I lived in Canada practically my whole life she told me I had ASIAN ears, was I from the Philippines? I had to restate that I was born in Thailand but lived in Canada virtually my whole life. I know the atmosphere of a doctor’s office always comes off as intrusive but I felt beyond uncomfortable and defensive.

I have never met an adoptee who doesn’t wonder about their origins. Adoptees share a unique bond: we are consumed by our loneliness. We don’t openly talk about it but it’s apparent. My life never had a defining moment of a “big reveal” of my adoption story. My parents never had to tell me on my 18th birthday (like someone I knew), or sit me down for any big discussion. There was no need for suspicious thoughts as I was always aware I wasn’t their biological child. I was brown and EVERYONE else in my Dad and Mom’s family are Caucasian. No matter how loved you are, being adopted harvests a visceral feeling of loneliness . Every adoptee has a shared experience of rejection followed by loss. I am not saying the heavy rainstorm can’t create a magnificent rainbow…but a rainbow is impossible without the rain.

I am not wanting to delve too deeply in this conversation now because I would like to try as best as possible to put my thoughts into an array of posts. Divide my thoughts up.

These posts about my adoption are personal. I would like to make them as honest and raw as possible without breaching my own level of comfort. It is not my intention to hurt anyone’s’ feelings. I hope to be as honest as possible. Maybe sharing my thoughts on the topic can help others open up about their experiences. Reading about other peoples’ journeys has helped me to heal.  I have amassed some notes from books I have read and hope to post my thoughts on my newly acquired information in upcoming post.

Sincerely yours,
Amanda Sumalee

PLEASE comment or message me privately to share your thoughts. I would love to hear suggestions or personal stories from my readers. I have never been a member of an adoptee support group but have read about some in the United States of America. Anyone have any information on online ones? xo

Choosing Happiness

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I was texting my bestie the other day scrutinizing all the steps I was needing to take to be happy. Don’t get me wrong I  feel great right now: enjoying life, great weather, I am safe and have created a support system for me (here as well as maintaining those back home). These days my ultimate definition of “happy” is to be living in Thailand.  For those who know me, you know that I have always dreamed of one day moving to Thailand to live for an extended period of time. I was born in Bangkok and have since been back there twice to visit. It has always been a goal of mine to go back to my homeland to experience its rich culture. I want to feel more like a local and less like a tourist.  

I was complaining that I know I have to work to be happy but sometimes processing all the steps feels too overwhelming. Some days it just feels like I’m stuck. While I was attending school I always felt like I was waiting for school to finish so I could figure out what I wanted. Three different schools; and I kept living day to day and feeling like I was making no progress. It is obvious to me that I have been moving in the right direction. I am working towards what I want but I just WANT to be there. I wish I could just jump ahead sometimes. Bypass the middle section. Living in Victoria, I wanted to be happy and have a job working with children. Then I decided to seize the opportunity of working and travelling for a year and became an Au Pair.

I was working and waiting for months until I could finally move to New Zealand. I bought my ticket and I knew a change would happen. Now that I feel settled here I am juggling the feelings of contentment and wanting to move on. Leave a great thing to experience something new and unknown!
IMG_8738I was outlining all my concerns to Bizzle and her reply made me smile:
“I know what you mean. I hate waiting for life to happen. I think sometimes we need to take risks and take charge of our lives. “

That’s what my best friend does for me: she listens, validates my feelings, gives me support and strong words of encouragement. I just needed that boost.

IMG_6317When it doesn’t feel like I am moving forward,  I appreciate the nudges of encouragement. The reminders that I am working towards my happiness. I needed to refocus my energy and remind myself not to become too blindsided by my goals of Thailand. Yes I want to achieve my goals, but I shouldn’t discredit all the opportunities I have in New Zealand.  I know I am heading in the right direction—but I can also be happy where I am now both  physically and mentally. I just need to keep being positive and not let my anxieties sabotage me!

Life is what you make of it and I am choosing to be happy. I am in charge of how I feel and today I am choosing happiness. 

Thailand 2013!!

Buddha Blessings
xoxo Amanda

Love you bizzle xo

Love you bizzle xo

 

Goodbye 26, Hello Rest Of My Life…

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In honor of this being my last blog (at age 26), I thought I would make a detailed list of my 26 dreams and desires. In truth, it was easy to think of about 10 and then afterwards I began regretting the topic. Dreams and miracles seem to be similar words with vastly different meanings. Without my mind going too wild I tried to base my list in mostly “reality’’. Please do not take this list too seriously or you will hurt your head.

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Thank you so much to everyone who has been sending their words of encouragement. I have known all along that 27 isn’t that big a deal and I still have 3 years until I reach the big 3-0! I do not have many friends my age, most are younger and many are older so it has been great to get advice from both perspectives. The overall message being:

Age is not something you can control. It is a daily reminder that you are ALIVE!!!

26 Dreams and Desires…

1. Become a midwife’s assistant or be a Doula. When I was a kid I wanted to be an obstetrician; until I found out how many years of schooling it entailed! Then I decided I would prefer to be a Pediatrician so I could work with the Mom’s and the babies. NOW I would love to be a doula. To be a part of the support system at such a significant time in a someone’s’ life WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.

2. I have grown up to believe that you choose your FAMILY. As we grow we shape our own definitions of what it means to us.  I believe that family is not solely comprised of blood relations. That said I would like to meet (as many as possible) people from my birth family. Part of my personal identity remains undeveloped. I do worry though…did curiosity kill the cat?

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3. Financial stability.

4. Feel loved unconditionally for who I am. Stop having to prove I am worthy of being loved. I don’t want to have to pretend or modify who I am depending on who I am with. I don’t want to seek out love I truly feel deserving of. I want to keep discovering who I am. I want to be me and be happy with that.

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5. Find out the details involving my stomach scar. It is the width of my abdomen and I have had it since I was adopted. Just like I find it unnerving to have no birthday details, I find it unsettling to NOT know why and when I had surgery. All I know is that no organs were extracted and my stitches were cleanly done.

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6. Find a cure for my insomnia. My mind just won’t shut off at night. A lot of the times when I am trying to sleep I lay awake thinking or having “daymares”. I am living through things that have never happened but it feels real.

7. Get my motorcycle license and own a bike!

8. I have always wanted to shave my head and start from scratch. When my parents found me in the orphanage I had thing scraggly hair with bald patches. To this day I have thin thin hair and I have always wondered how it would grow back? It has never seemed to be the right time to shave it off but it has always been an idea of mine. If there was an opportunity to do it for a charitable cause I would strongly consider.

9. Be in a spelling bee! Aha since I was a kid I wanted my class to have one but it never happened for me. Nothing intense like you see on television – just a simple fun one where two lines are formed and you sit down once you spell a word wrong. You advance every time you spell a word right and there is one winner! I think I am twenty years too late…

10.  I don’t know if it will happen but I would LOVE to go back to Nepal. I met so many wonderful people who will remain dear to me. I want to go back and see them as well as travel around and volunteer my time as much as possible. I will never forget the warmth of the Nepalese.

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11.  Publish a book? I have always LOVED editing essays and reading over other peoples ‘work but I also like writing. My Mom was a teacher who chose to edit in red ink. To this day I love the feeling of reading over something and scribbling red ink all over the page with corrections and suggestions. Maybe one of these days I will become an author or an editor for a publishing firm?

12. Go to space? I think I am more interested in the spaceship ride than being in space but I bet the whole trip would be astounding.

13.  I know it would be impossible to make the world perfect. Who am I to decide what “perfect is”? What I do know is that I want to live in a world that has eliminated child sex offenders, rapists and world hunger they would be top on the priority list. ANYONE who mistreats children or women does not deserve my sympathy. Mental illness or not – I do not believe I would be able to forgive a person. It is depressing to know there are still people who do not have access to food daily. I hate wasting or throwing out food. One day we will abolish world hunger.

14. Hire a personal chef (thanks for reminding me Bizzle). I am a horrible cook and I have always wanted someone to grocery shop and cook all my meals. I am a huge snacker and that is part of the reason why my health is not in order. I eat whatever is quick and accessible in the kitchen or grab for the nearest potato chips or cookies. Having a personal chef would take the thinking out of what to eat and how many calories I was consuming a day! I NEED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN one day!
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15. Increased fitness. I would like to increase my stamina and lose my stomach fat (less cheese more exercising!!!) Workout with Bob Harper and/or Jillian Michaels would be a dream come true. I WANT to be on the American TV Show The Biggest Loser just so they can yell at me, “Last chance workout”. I know I would never make it on the show but a girl can dream right?!
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16.  Good bye economy class hello Business Class or First Class. I love flying so why not be as comfortable as possible while doing it?

17.  I have always had this plan of what I would do if I won the lottery. If I had the option of yearly installments or cash out  the lump sum I would take the one time payout. My reason behind the lump sum is that I would be too paranoid that the cheques would stop coming. Even if cashing out meant the total was substantially less I would have the mental security in knowing I had received it and would then begin to plan my future.  If the day ever came that I won BIG I would go on 2 separate vacations. Family trip and friends trip!! For some reason I have put a lot of thought into this. I would then put more than a third into a savings account that I did not have access to for around 5 years.

18. A craft room with ample storage space that is stocked full of supplies. Anybody who crafts knows it is not a cheap hobby. It has taken me years to collect my supplies and I am nowhere near having the amount I desire. I would also like my own photo printer! Not a portable single one but a heavy duty machine! I love developing photos and giving them to people in my snail mail.

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19. Learn more about different religions. I have passionately read about Buddhism but I would really like to dedicate more time to understanding the history and philosophies. I do not want to limit myself to just one and am very interested in Christianity, Hinduism and beyond. Learning more about faith and what it means to other seems inspiring.

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20. I would like a Pinterest budget (merci ana!!). I would be more inclined to actually create things instead of just pinning everything to my boards and thinking that ‘someday I will make this’!

21. Un-chipable nail polish. The newest thing is getting your nails chillaxed. I would like to be able to buy it and not have to pay some technician the application fees. I would much prefer applying a type of nailpolish that didn’t need base and top coat  and loads of nail polish remover when the nails start chipping a few days later. It is a lot of work to MAINTAIN chip free nails. I wouldn’t invest so much energy into it but it helps deter me from biting my nails.

22. This is a silly dream but I wish that Private Practice wasn’t ending! I love Charlotte and Cooper as a couple. If only the show could go on or they could have their own spin off. Kadee Strickland and Paul Adelstein have dynamite chemistry and feed off each other in their roles!

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23. I don’t like how soap operas are slowly becoming extinct. Besides how entertaining they are it is going to leave so many people out of work. Not just the actors, writers, directors and crew will be unemployed; all the staff who work on the shows and magazine publications.  Soaps have been on air for over seventy years and slowly fading away.

25. Another silly fantasy would be to have unlimited battery life on electronics I use regularly. It is super frustrating to have to charge my laptop, camera and phone regularly so they do not die “suddenly” on me. Not a really GOOD idea but I am running out of ideas to write about…

26. One of my favourite books is Pay It Forward. (The movie didn’t do the book justice.)It made me want the world to be a better place! I wanted to be that person who did favours for others but didn’t want anything back in world. I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

I kept my promise to everyone reading! I blogged for a week! Thank you so much to Ana, Bizzle and Cous Cous for their continued support over this past week. We realized just how big the number 26 was, and maybe I was too ambitious for wanting to include that many in each blog. That is behind us now because I am done 🙂

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Sorry about the repetition for some of the answers.They say if you write your dreams and goals down they are more likely to come true. Here’s hoping!

Thank you thank you thank you
xox Amanda Sumalee

26 Things On My Bucket List

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This list is in no particular order. It took me a LOOONG time to fill up all 26 slots. I guess the ONLY good thing about my birthday being on Saturday is that I can stop blogging these lists! I really didn’t realize it would be take so much energy to think of 26 things to list a day. (It doesn’t help that I have to think about whether all my content is appropriate for the public! I think my answers could vary a little if it was just for my diary…)

1. Own a high quality camera

2. Anything related to flying or that feeling of pure adrenaline : skydiving, parasailing, hang-gliding, heli-skiing, base jumping, being shot out of a canon?, aerial swing. Anything that makes my stomach flip flop!!

3. Become a mother (I envision at least 2 children)

4. Find someone to share my life with

5. To live in Thailand and learn more about my heritage

6. Swim with sharks. I would like to swim with dolphins TOO but sharks is the priority

7. Be a dog owner

8. To run a marathon

9. Own a dark blue Wrangler Jeep (since Texas I can’t see myself without one. ONE DAY long down the road)

10. Have a job that I am truly passionate about

11. Be debt free (goodbye student loans!)

12. Discover more about birth parents/family members

13. Go to Fiji “the happiest place on earth”

14. Travel and see as much of the world as possible

15. Attend more live concert!

16. Go to a live filming of Chelsea Lately. (It used to be Ellen or Saturday Night Live but I have kind of moved on from that)..doesn’t really need to be on my bucket list but I am watching an episode now and she always makes me laugh.

17. When I was a kid I dreamed about living in a townhouse and having my best friend live next door to me….I think my updated dream is to live in a great place near friends. If it happens to be a sweet townhouse I am all for it! Hopefully I will be a homeowner and not a renter for the rest of my life.

18. Get more serious with my RRSP…it’s never too early to start saving for retirement!!

19. To learn Thai. I would like to feel comfortable conversing with other Thais.

20. Create a scrapbook of my life (a couple of pages of each year of my life). I was inspired after seeing my friend’s scrapbook for her daughter. She had 1-2 pages for each birthday. It was the most amazing work of art ever!!!

21. Get my ear bumps removed. Since I was a kid I wanted to get my ears pierced so I could wear dangly earrings…clip on earrings hurt!!

22. Volunteer my time more. I always feel so great before-during and after!

23. Laser eye surgery! Oh ya contacts be gone.

24. Learn sign language…I learned about Helen Keller and Louis Braille in school and am still inspired by their perseverance.

25. Take a bigger interest in learning how to cook and bake. I need to branch out from just the basics.

26. STAY connected with FAMILY and FRIENDS. It takes effort and energy but it will continue to be important to me.

Only 2 more days of blogging to go! I hope I keep my promise and blog everyday until my 27 birthday! Thanks for reading these. Bizzle I have already begun our list 🙂

Always Thankful – Keep Smiling,
xox Amanda

Survey says…

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My 26 answers:

1. First/middle name: Amanda Sumalee Dowput MacWilliam

2. Were you named after anyone? Negatory..Amanda because they liked the name Mandy, Sumalee because it’s Thai, Dowput the staff at the orphanage gave me

3. Do you like your handwriting? YES and NO..like it better than others and sometimes it’s great sometimes it’s uber ugly

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? mortadella

5. What is your most embarrassing moment? Oh gosh I have a lot…when my skirt got stuck in my underwear in Thailand after using a stand-up bathroom. During my Nepali lessons I offered my teacher some chips and grabbed them out of the bag to give to him. It was my ignorance in not realizing in their Nepalese culture to not touch the food you are offering to someone else. SHOULD have paid more attention to that chapter of my book.

6. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself? Probably…I like my fun side but I don’t like all the baggage. I am pretty sarcastic but I think I would like that!

7. Are you a daredevil? when it comes to food –>usually yes, physical stuff –> Not when I am  by myself but if others are there to encourage me then yes for sure.

8. How do your release anger? Exercise, music, crafts, sleeping, crying, ranting to friends, writing

9. Where were you born? Asia somewhere…I love the people who know the hospital and time and room number and all that jazz…okay you got me I’m a wee bit jealous. Pretty sure it was in Bangkok, Thailand.

10. Do you trust others too easily? Initially I am very shy and guarded and find myself suspicious of others’ intentions.  But once I trust you –I am extremely open.

11. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies…or any of my brothers’ toys

12. Do you use sarcasm a lot? YES definitely—often..close to all the time?

13. What is your favorite movie? This list keeps getting bigger for me: My Life, Crash, Grease, I am Sam, Nine months…I can watch these movies OVER and OVER again. I also love all musicals.

14. Nicknames: let’s see if I can remember them all: Carly, Roomie, David, Bobby, Munday, Snoochie, amansuma, Swampert, Amandy, Lil’M, miss M, Asian, Lover, Bradley, Brad, Bandit, Bp, Brice, Suma, Sumzie, Battery, Mizzle, Brown Daughter, Sumalia, BC/Brown Cousin, P.I.C., Mandar, Brenda

15. Would you bungee jump? Done and done

16. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No never. Waste of time!

17. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky Road, Cookie Dough, Bubble Gum, Strawberry Cheese Cake, cookies & cream– I have a lot.

18. What are you listening to right now? Keys typing on a keyboard, someone showering, the dishwasher running

19. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their height, then their body type

20. Hair Color? Black with touches of natural red

21. Do you wear contacts? Everyday of the week

22. Last Movie? Eat Pray Love (Loved Julia Roberts in it)

23.Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy endings. But I do love watching scary movies with people who are terrified of them (..dom that is a shout out to you lover)

24. Summer or winter? Both!-summer for weather, winter- for wardrobe

25. What is Your Favorite Dessert? Anything homemade Cheesecake! Pumpkin pie! Cupcakes!

26. What did you do today? Was up at 7am to get the children dressed and fed for school. Packed their lunches and completed the school run. Came home to work on dishes and laundry. I had a nap then began my homemade Christmas cards. Then more laundry before the school run to pick up the kids. Fed them a snack and packed more snacks before heading off to soccer. Came home and prepared supper to be ready  for 6pm. Completed dishes and bedtime routine began. Babysitting night ended around 10:30pm.
[My typical day is usually from 7am – 6ish. ]

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have suggestions for future blogs.
Check back for another post tomorrow!

xox Amanda

26 Things About Me

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5 days left of being 26! That means 5 more days of lists. I hope I don’t run out of things to share with y’all 🙂

1.  I chew gum almost every day

2. As a child I found water “flavourless” but now I love drinking it

3. I am very competitive. Being the youngest of 3 kids motivated me to try HARD. I will admit to being a sore loser.

4. I have never feared death

5. I am NOT a morning person. The first thing I do in the morning is press the snooze on my alarm. I always set MORE than one alarm from daily paranoia of over sleeping.

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6. I have an ADDICTION to cheese!

7. I would rather have a girl’s night in than out. I MUCH PREFER to be makeup free and clad in comfy clothes then dressed to the nines.

8. Money has ALWAYS stressed me out and constantly on my mind. I worry about my future.

9. I would rather run than jog or walk. If I am on the treadmill I CHOOSE sprints

10. I always make a wish if it’s 11:11 and smile when I see the clock at 12:34!

11. Since around the age of 16 — I have wanted to be younger than my age. I frequently lie about my age to strangers because no one believes me when I tell them the truth. [ Last year for my 25th birthday my parents took me out for a celebratory birthday meal and the waitress asked me if I needed a kid’s menu!!!]

12. I LOVE going to sleep to the sound of a rain but especially thunderstorms

13. Since I was a child, I have always been fascinated with: pregnancy, childbirth, babies, and multiples

14. I love receiving massages. I also love the feelings I get when I am giving someone one. It is such a simple way for me to make someone else feel great.

15. I would rather be too hot than too cold

16. I wear flip flops almost every day

17. I love watching soap operas because it is my escape from reality. Daytime actors work HARD and get a really bad rap from the entertainment world L I no longer feel guilty about supporting the daytime community! xox

18. I love reading. I find myself going through a period of mourning when I finish a great book.

19. I have a big sweet tooth.

20. I feel unnerved to not have a birth certificate. My birthday is a made-up date!

21. Scared of spiders and snakes and not ashamed by my “murderous way” when need be!

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22. When I drink tea or coffee I have to wait at least 5 minutes before drinking it. I hate eating or drinking anything that is hot! [fun fact: when I first started drinking the beverages I chose to add milk  as a way to help quicken the cooling process.]

23. I don’t like talking on the phone and I find leaving voicemails very awkward.

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24.  I am PERSISTENT on: snapping pictures, video recordings and writing down funny quotes. I do this because I have a bad memory AND because I want to be able to capture and relive it later with others. I want to be able to preserve memories!

25. I love giving people nicknames. It used to be a learning tool to help remember names.  Now it’s a fun habit I can’t kick.

26. Love fuels me. I crave it. I love to be loved.
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26 Places I Have Been in the World

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I can’t believe I am turning TWENTY SEVEN in under a week! This blows my mind that I am almost thirty. In honor of my impending birthday, my next few posts will be lists with 26 bullets.

I feel so fortunate to have already traveled to so many different places in the world. It is depressing how poor my memory is and how many places I have to be reminded of having been to. I have always had a horrible memory and mixed with my lack of geography knowledge and awareness it took WAY more time than it needed to for such a short list.I know I have left A LOT of places out but here are the 26 places that I remember going to.

~*~CANADA~*~

1. Victoria (British Columbia)
2. Nanaimo (British Columbia)
3. Port Alberni (Ana’s homeland!!!) (British Columbia)

Tofino with my CFCS lovers xo

4. Tofino (British Columbia)
5. Vancouver (British Columbia)
6.  Calgary (Alberta)
7. Edmonton (Alberta)
8. Sarnia (Ontario)
9. Toronto (Ontario)
10. Ottawa (Ontario)

~*~UNITED STATES OF AMERICA~*~

11. Florida
12. New Orleans
13. New York
14. Las Vegas

Seattle’s Beerfest!

15. Seattle

~*~MEXICO~*~

16. Ixtapa
17. Mazatlan

Mazatlan, Mexico

18. Cozumel

~*~EUROPE~*~

19.  Madrid
20. Barcelona,
21. Seville                 

             

~*~AFRICA~*~

22 Morocco
23. Chad

~*~ASIA~*~

24. Nepal

Chitwan, Nepal

Bangkok, Thailand      

25. Thailand

~*~NEW ZEALAND~*~

26. Auckland

Piha, New Zealand

***Adding the pictures to this POST was BEYOND frustrating. It probably took me at least 4x the time it should have to get all the pictures added. Some were deleted in the process and the original format of this post has gone bonkers! I will try to add the pictures that got deleted sometime…WISH this format was exactly like Microsoft Publisher where you could just drag and drop your pictures in